Human life consists of a compulsion of repetitions which depresses me severely. Bored of doing the same thing everyday. Bored of the same conversations day by day. Bored to death of the same faces and same places.

I often wonder why I work so hard to make so much money to spend it on expensive things. At the same time these “items” bring me some type of joy and bragging rights which I do enjoy. I think I just like having, seeing, holding something new and sparkly.

But why am I working so hard, such long hours? Do I need to go shopping every week? No… Do I need a luxury car? No… Do I need 50 products of makeup that I barely touch all stuffed in a drawer? No… But what fuels my constant desire of wanting so many new things? So many things I end up not using or wanting after a month. Yet I don’t throw most of it away because it seems too wasteful. Here enters all the hording of items “I never know I might need one day in the future.”

Confused about the severe addiction to social life. By this I mean cigarettes and alcohol. When I’m sitting at home all alone, I never really want either of the two. But once I’m out and someone lights one up, I want one also. If someone mentions drinking, “I’m down.” Or that fine line between “Julia, your good after 4 old fashioned’s” & “No, I want another drink.” Why do I want to drink more after I hit a plateu of already being pleasantly “drunk”. When I’m buzzed, I want another shot. When I’m drunk, I want another shot. When I’m too drunk, I want another shot. Why? What am I reaching for? I already got what I wanted by being drunk, why do I have a need to do it excessively?

At times I think I drink to drown out the voices in my head. The numerous thoughts running around like bee’s in a hive. A part of me enjoys shutting off my brain entirely. If not I think I might go insane, if I think too much it only ends up stirring up anxiety.

I wish I could escape from this bubble I feel so trapped in. This bubble we call Southern California. This knit of people and things and places, who all know of all the same people, same things, same places. I giant circle of people who are constantly compulsively repeating every fucking thing over and over again.

Feeling Hopelessly Lost,
Julia

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2 Comments

  1. Randomly found your blog through yelp of all places. It may be helpful to take a step back and ask yourself the question you asked yourself before you started on this path: “Why am I doing what I’m doing?” As time passes along a given route, the answer you started with may not be the answer you have at this time and place. Hell, you may not even have an answer anymore. Which would indicate some serious alone time to think about that. Like, is it a feeling of validation from the ‘world at large’ you’re searching for? If so, you’re gonna be chasing that feeling for the rest of your life, no matter how successful you become. By placing excessive value on the outside world, your inner self is never going to reach a state of self-sustaining happiness. Maybe that’s okay with you. But from personal experience, it’s a shit-ass lifestyle.

    Is it to create something beautiful? To reveal some inner truth of the world? To bring happiness to others? No answer is more valid than the next. But having an answer is important.

    As for why you feel the urge in social situations to drink and smoke, well… that’s your brain in action. Alcohol disinhibits your brain, so the more you drink, the more you drink. Such is life. I chose to stop drinking because getting too drunk while drinking became the norm. I’d rather my brain be too active than silence its firing, but that’s a personal choice.

    As someone who has been seriously contemplating completely changing paths in life, this feeling of “what am I doing” is all too familiar. The feeling of being trapped in routine is even MORE familiar. But like, there’s a saying that I think about often. “A thousand people walk past a flower and see the same thing, but there’s that one person out of thousand that sees the flower and notices something different.” There are a multitude of facets to the many individuals that you change upon in life, but all it takes is for you to ask them something deeper to reshape your idea of the bubble you live in.

    Those are some thoughts I had, and still have, while thinking about what I’m doing on this tiny little speck of time that I am existing in this universe.

    • Hi PC,

      Thank you so much for your words. I had a moving moment reading your comment. It really helped me think a little broader about “why am I doing what I do”. Wishing you the best in your en-devour and thank you for even taking the time to help me with mine. <3 Truly appreciate it!

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