Human life consists of a compulsion of repetitions which depresses me severely. Bored of doing the same thing everyday. Bored of the same conversations day by day. Bored to death of the same faces and same places.
I often wonder why I work so hard to make so much money to spend it on expensive things. At the same time these “items” bring me some type of joy and bragging rights which I do enjoy. I think I just like having, seeing, holding something new and sparkly.
But why am I working so hard, such long hours? Do I need to go shopping every week? No… Do I need a luxury car? No… Do I need 50 products of makeup that I barely touch all stuffed in a drawer? No… But what fuels my constant desire of wanting so many new things? So many things I end up not using or wanting after a month. Yet I don’t throw most of it away because it seems too wasteful. Here enters all the hording of items “I never know I might need one day in the future.”
Confused about the severe addiction to social life. By this I mean cigarettes and alcohol. When I’m sitting at home all alone, I never really want either of the two. But once I’m out and someone lights one up, I want one also. If someone mentions drinking, “I’m down.” Or that fine line between “Julia, your good after 4 old fashioned’s” & “No, I want another drink.” Why do I want to drink more after I hit a plateu of already being pleasantly “drunk”. When I’m buzzed, I want another shot. When I’m drunk, I want another shot. When I’m too drunk, I want another shot. Why? What am I reaching for? I already got what I wanted by being drunk, why do I have a need to do it excessively?
At times I think I drink to drown out the voices in my head. The numerous thoughts running around like bee’s in a hive. A part of me enjoys shutting off my brain entirely. If not I think I might go insane, if I think too much it only ends up stirring up anxiety.
I wish I could escape from this bubble I feel so trapped in. This bubble we call Southern California. This knit of people and things and places, who all know of all the same people, same things, same places. I giant circle of people who are constantly compulsively repeating every fucking thing over and over again.
Feeling Hopelessly Lost,